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 Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 10:11 am
It's so strange noticing my body and not feeling the kind of pain I used to. I still have self esteem issues and I don't think I'm terribly attractive. But the dysphoria has faded so much.
No longer does my chest feel alien and wrong. No longer does the surface of my skin feel like it isn't mine. My face finally looks like my face. Really the only thing that fires up the bodily dysphoria is when the remaining facial and chest hair grows in and my genitals. The laser is taking out the facial and the chest hair thins out slowly from the estrogen I presume. It's hard to imagine at a certain point that only one thing will actually be a dysphoria trigger for me anymore. And even that will get surgically altered in the mid future.
People tell me that it's sort of horrible how I'm actually surprised by the idea of life without constant psychological pain. But I mean, I've never experienced anything else. It's always been present.
And now it's almost gone. I feel like celebrating, despite the painful family related consequences. Because in the end, it's far worse for my very body to be against me then my family.
New family can be built. It already has really. I have a non blood sister (she's also an MtF) and one of my former teachers is like an aunt to me. But my body is with me for this lifetime.
[/ramble]
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Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 3:34 pm
MoonJeli Remember me? XD Some of you might, at least. My mom died right before Christmas, and everything fell apart. I'm only just pulling things together, but I expect I'll be scattered for a long time more. But a friend of mine mentioned Gaia, and I realized I missed it. heart I am sorry. Welcome back. surprised Hmm... Recursive Paradox, I'm glad things are coming to a more stable point. 3nodding Okay, time to stock up on Cream Eggs before the season elapses. xd
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Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 4:28 pm
Recursive Paradox It's so strange noticing my body and not feeling the kind of pain I used to. I still have self esteem issues and I don't think I'm terribly attractive. But the dysphoria has faded so much. No longer does my chest feel alien and wrong. No longer does the surface of my skin feel like it isn't mine. My face finally looks like my face. Really the only thing that fires up the bodily dysphoria is when the remaining facial and chest hair grows in and my genitals. The laser is taking out the facial and the chest hair thins out slowly from the estrogen I presume. It's hard to imagine at a certain point that only one thing will actually be a dysphoria trigger for me anymore. And even that will get surgically altered in the mid future. People tell me that it's sort of horrible how I'm actually surprised by the idea of life without constant psychological pain. But I mean, I've never experienced anything else. It's always been present. And now it's almost gone. I feel like celebrating, despite the painful family related consequences. Because in the end, it's far worse for my very body to be against me then my family. New family can be built. It already has really. I have a non blood sister (she's also an MtF) and one of my former teachers is like an aunt to me. But my body is with me for this lifetime. [/ramble] YAY!!!! *parties with you* And from what I can tell, from my fiancee, the chest hair does diminish with the estrogen smile
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Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 6:14 pm
Thank you everyone.
I'm going to school more-than-full time, as well. I've fallen in love with ceramics, in particular.
And congratulations, Recursive.
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Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:07 pm
Recursive Paradox It's so strange noticing my body and not feeling the kind of pain I used to. I still have self esteem issues and I don't think I'm terribly attractive. But the dysphoria has faded so much. No longer does my chest feel alien and wrong. No longer does the surface of my skin feel like it isn't mine. My face finally looks like my face. Really the only thing that fires up the bodily dysphoria is when the remaining facial and chest hair grows in and my genitals. The laser is taking out the facial and the chest hair thins out slowly from the estrogen I presume. It's hard to imagine at a certain point that only one thing will actually be a dysphoria trigger for me anymore. And even that will get surgically altered in the mid future. People tell me that it's sort of horrible how I'm actually surprised by the idea of life without constant psychological pain. But I mean, I've never experienced anything else. It's always been present. And now it's almost gone. I feel like celebrating, despite the painful family related consequences. Because in the end, it's far worse for my very body to be against me then my family. New family can be built. It already has really. I have a non blood sister (she's also an MtF) and one of my former teachers is like an aunt to me. But my body is with me for this lifetime. [/ramble] Although I've been a tad more lucky with my family, in the long run (I had a lot of issues with them too, in the first... six years or so after having come out... bad ones)I can totally relate to this. I think I'm at around the same point. I have self esteem problems too... but that terrible feeling that haunts me at every turn and tortures me every time I see my reflection... it's gone!! I'm so used to the pain that it's kind of amazing not to have to deal with it. I do hope your family comes around though I agree with what you said about building a new family. Congratulations on your new freedom smile
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Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:43 pm
Recursive Paradox It's so strange noticing my body and not feeling the kind of pain I used to. I still have self esteem issues and I don't think I'm terribly attractive. But the dysphoria has faded so much. No longer does my chest feel alien and wrong. No longer does the surface of my skin feel like it isn't mine. My face finally looks like my face. Really the only thing that fires up the bodily dysphoria is when the remaining facial and chest hair grows in and my genitals. The laser is taking out the facial and the chest hair thins out slowly from the estrogen I presume. It's hard to imagine at a certain point that only one thing will actually be a dysphoria trigger for me anymore. And even that will get surgically altered in the mid future. People tell me that it's sort of horrible how I'm actually surprised by the idea of life without constant psychological pain. But I mean, I've never experienced anything else. It's always been present. And now it's almost gone. I feel like celebrating, despite the painful family related consequences. Because in the end, it's far worse for my very body to be against me then my family. New family can be built. It already has really. I have a non blood sister (she's also an MtF) and one of my former teachers is like an aunt to me. But my body is with me for this lifetime. [/ramble] i'm so happy to hear you're doing well through the process. it is a shoddy bit that your parts of your family can't seem to accept you as who you are (i'm sorry, security clearance be damned - half of my family is diagnosed depressives and i'm going for the Navy with a full background check). you are an amazing individual and i'm glad at least your chosen family sees this.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:24 am
Recursive Paradox It's so strange noticing my body and not feeling the kind of pain I used to. I still have self esteem issues and I don't think I'm terribly attractive. But the dysphoria has faded so much. No longer does my chest feel alien and wrong. No longer does the surface of my skin feel like it isn't mine. My face finally looks like my face. Really the only thing that fires up the bodily dysphoria is when the remaining facial and chest hair grows in and my genitals. The laser is taking out the facial and the chest hair thins out slowly from the estrogen I presume. It's hard to imagine at a certain point that only one thing will actually be a dysphoria trigger for me anymore. And even that will get surgically altered in the mid future. People tell me that it's sort of horrible how I'm actually surprised by the idea of life without constant psychological pain. But I mean, I've never experienced anything else. It's always been present. And now it's almost gone. I feel like celebrating, despite the painful family related consequences. Because in the end, it's far worse for my very body to be against me then my family. New family can be built. It already has really. I have a non blood sister (she's also an MtF) and one of my former teachers is like an aunt to me. But my body is with me for this lifetime. [/ramble] I'm so glad things are getting better! *hugs* I've been dealing with anxiety/depression issues since I can remember, so when I finally got on meds for it I found myself going "Whoa! I'm totally not freaked out right now." or "Hey! I'm actually enjoying this." It's amazing how much of a luxury it can be just to feel at home in your own skin. It sucks about your biological family, but I'm glad you've found new family. Hooray for diminished dysphoria! *insert party*
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:25 am
MoonJeli Remember me? XD Some of you might, at least. My mom died right before Christmas, and everything fell apart. I'm only just pulling things together, but I expect I'll be scattered for a long time more. But a friend of mine mentioned Gaia, and I realized I missed it. heart I think I remember you! Of course, I was more of a lurker back then. Sorry things got so rough for you. Glad to have you back!
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 6:54 am
So, I have an apartment viewing at 11:45.
...is it normal to be nervous?
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 7:41 am
Yes, it's okay.
We went with the first apartment I saw (I had davit vet them first, since I had all sorts of girlie wedding prep to do) and it is a great apartment.
My breakfast today, is seriously not kosher. The Pork TRIFECTA.
yum.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:31 pm
I GOT THE APARTMENT AND I'M MOVING IN MAY. HOORAY!
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 3:32 pm
Calixti I GOT THE APARTMENT AND I'M MOVING IN MAY. HOORAY! Yay! My mom keeps going back and forth on letting me live with my girlfriend next year, so when I can sign my lease I will be a happy puppy.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 4:20 pm
Calixti I GOT THE APARTMENT AND I'M MOVING IN MAY. HOORAY! Great news!!! Are you going to be living by yourself, or with other people? And if you've mentioned this before, totally ignore me >.> I'm living by myself for the first time next year, but it was either that or go in blind for a campus apartment. And the thought of living with roommates that I don't know, when I have a mtf trans fiancee who visits me for extended periods of time, just doesn't work for me. Especially since I'm living in basically the northern bible belt. What really needs to happen is for her to get a job over here so I can just move in with her. But between Michigan's economy and her being trans, that's not gonna happen any time soon. *sighs*
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 5:34 pm
Ainwyn Calixti I GOT THE APARTMENT AND I'M MOVING IN MAY. HOORAY! Great news!!! Are you going to be living by yourself, or with other people? And if you've mentioned this before, totally ignore me >.> All by myself! And don't worry, I don't think I've mentioned it. heart But yeah, I'm ready (and my mum agrees) to live on my own. I dislike sharing space with people in general, and don't have enough friends here I trust enough to live with who are cool with living with a lesbian, so flatmates were out. Hardest part was finding a one-room place that wasn't priced like a four-room one. Quote: I'm living by myself for the first time next year, but it was either that or go in blind for a campus apartment. And the thought of living with roommates that I don't know, when I have a mtf trans fiancee who visits me for extended periods of time, just doesn't work for me. Especially since I'm living in basically the northern bible belt. What really needs to happen is for her to get a job over here so I can just move in with her. But between Michigan's economy and her being trans, that's not gonna happen any time soon. *sighs* Eeeek, I'm so sorry. *offers hugs*
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 5:45 pm
Calixti Ainwyn Calixti I GOT THE APARTMENT AND I'M MOVING IN MAY. HOORAY! Great news!!! Are you going to be living by yourself, or with other people? And if you've mentioned this before, totally ignore me >.> All by myself! And don't worry, I don't think I've mentioned it. heart But yeah, I'm ready (and my mum agrees) to live on my own. I dislike sharing space with people in general, and don't have enough friends here I trust enough to live with who are cool with living with a lesbian, so flatmates were out. Hardest part was finding a one-room place that wasn't priced like a four-room one. Yeah, I get that. I was lucky this passed year that I have 3 awesome friends. Our entire circle of friends is basically one big family, but even then, it's rare to find ones who can live together for a year and come out of the situation no worse for wear 3nodding It'll be nice to have my own little place next fall though, because I have a tendency to come home with a mind to do homework, only to have a group of friends be waiting for me, who proceed to drag me away to go wonder in the woods... which I love, but I have to stop failing my classes! lol So now I get to live in a place that has two locked doors between me and my friends, and hopefully I'll get work done! Good luck with the move! I know it's really hard to move away from home for the first time, no matter how ready for it you are. It's nice to have your own place though!
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