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 Posted: Sun Jun 30, 2019 11:44 am
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30.07.179
The firelizard egg Dad gave me hatched today, a little bronze. I’ve decided to call him Rukbat, his hide is bright and his mind is warm and lovely.
It’s a strange feeling, having a bond again. It’s nothing like It’s not even a shadow of
I miss you Raith. It’s been just over a turn. There were times, a lot of times, when I didn’t think I’d get this far. You’d be nearly eighteen months old now, probably full grown though maybe with a little more filling out to do - you were so much bigger than your brothers. I wish I’d got to see the dragon you would’ve grown into. I wish you’d got to see the rider I could have become. I wish you were here. I wish- I wish a lot of things. I’m grateful for the time we had though, that we flew together a couple of times, that I loved you, and that you loved me. I still love you, I always will. My heart and my mind reach out after you into between, and the cold and the emptiness is-
Rukbat loves me too. He’s a sweet little thing, he croons and warbles as he pushes his tiny face against my fingers and begs for food. He needs me. Dad needs me. I’m glad I’m still here, I think. Maybe glad isn’t quite the right word but I’m not sure what is, perhaps there isn’t one, I don’t think language was made to deal with this really. Glad will do then.
I’m going to start keeping a diary again, I think it might help me to track… Progress? I suppose, yes. The mindhealers would probably like that too, I'm trying to start actually paying attention to what they're saying rather than just nodding along.
For now though I should go and get some more meat for Rukbat. It’s good to be needed.
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Posted: Sun Jun 30, 2019 11:46 am
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Posted: Sun Jun 30, 2019 11:47 am
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17.11.179
Ow.
Everything hurts, and I feel sort of good. Not as good as I did earlier but still sort of good.
One of the beast pens was badly damaged in last night’s storm, it was still pouring this morning but the work needed to be done right away so I volunteered to go out and help bash in new posts.
The wind was howling, the rain was so heavy that it was like being under a waterfall, and it was so cold that we couldn’t feel our fingers before long. The work took hours and everything was twice as hard as it would’ve been if not for the weather, by the end we were all exhausted and soaked to the skin but then we all went into the baths to warm up and…
I don’t know, I just felt good. I haven’t felt that good since it happened. Sitting there soaking in the baths, passing hot cider around, listening to them all talk was - I don’t know, it was just good. I even joined in a bit, I said something that got a laugh, and somebody slapped me really hard on the shoulder for it. It was...
It was just good. It felt like the warm water and the warm drink and the chatter actually warmed me up on the inside not just the outside. The feeling’s fading now, the harder I think about it and the more I try to hang onto it the faster it slips away. I wish I could keep it, but on the other hand I feel guilty for having it at all. I know Raith would want happiness for me but that doesn’t stop me feeling sick when I stop to think about it, about having even a moment of it without him. I suppose I should just take today for what it is? That’s probably what the mindhealers would say. I’m supposed to see Journeyman Kallahar tomorrow, I should probably go but I still hate those sessions. Dad will worry if I don’t go though, so I will.
Right now I’m going to head down to the kitchens and help with the after lunch clean-up, I meant to go right after the bath but I wanted to write this down before I forgot the feeling.
Oh right, I ought to eat too - good job I’m going to the kitchens anyway eh?
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Posted: Sun Jul 07, 2019 8:01 am
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15.11.180
Mulnith is gone. The Weyr is keening, screaming. The voices cut through me like shards of glass I can't-
Our last gold, gone, taking our Weyrman with her. Our Weyrleader, gone. Weyrsecond, gone. Two wingleaders left, three wingseconds. Is there any hope at all? I don't think Dad thinks so, I heard him crying last night.
Telgar's last gold, Nilurth, is said to be in her last days and Fort's Malsalth is sickening too. Is this the end for the north?
Shards, when will they stop keening?
They didn't keen this long for my Raith.
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Posted: Sun Jul 07, 2019 2:18 pm
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15.03.181
Found an advantage to having spent the last couple of turns at the bottom of a deep hole, the idea of leaving High Reaches doesn't upset me all that much. Who knows, perhaps leaving behind the place I lost you will be good? I don't know, maybe not, but it doesn't make it worse anyway.
Packing took me about five minutes; clothes, comb, razor, fiddle. Dad's still got some of my old toys which he's insisting on bringing, I feel a bit guilty for not feeling any attachment to them but there it is. Maybe I will want them again some day though, who knows? I could build a little life for myself at Fort, put them up on a shelf to give my quarters some personality.
Malsalth is deathly ill but she managed to rise, everyone's hoping that she survives to clutch and that her clutch has a gold in it. I'm hoping the same. Standing for the clutch though.... I don't know. You wanted me to but I don't think I'm ready (will I ever be ready?) and even if I was, how do I know the same thing wouldn't happen again?
What I'm dreading about today is the trip itself, this will be the first time since I lost you Raith and the more I think about it the more my stomach churns. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think, maybe it'll actually be nice. Only one way to find out.
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Posted: Sun Jul 28, 2019 4:03 pm
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20.01.183
What in the name of all that's good was that stupid man and his stupid friends thinking?
The goldrider is dying, fine, I'm very sorry for him but how could he decide his illness gave him the right to do this to his dragon's hatchlings? He has no idea none about whether or not they'll get sick of die or-
'For the north' they say, apparently. We've got clutching greens, greens who've shown no sign of illness, why do we need him coming up here? Might it help- yes of course it might! I don't think it will be earth shaking in the long run though, unless there's a gold in there and she survives.
But the eggs, the hatchlings, they don't get a say do they? No, their mother's rider got it into his head to do one last wonderful thing with his life and their lives aren't nearly as important as that. He could have seen one last clutch laid safely in the south, bonded to riders who will adore them, who won't lose them in gasping choking pain before they're a turn old. And why did his dragon agree to it all?
How could they?
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Posted: Tue Sep 10, 2019 1:44 pm
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Posted: Wed Sep 11, 2019 10:44 am
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03.13.182
Here we are at the end of another turn, and I'm another turn older. Twenty turns old. Who would've thought it?
These last three days have been fun actually; I sort of made a new friend, a bronzerider named Careese, and she gave me the idea to buy some sheet music for Dad - first time I've actually got him something thoughtful since before. We spent the whole evening of the first day of Turn's End playing, for the dancing for a while and then together back in his quarters; I can't remember the last time I saw Dad smile that much, or the last time I've smiled that much.
For my birthday and Turn's End Dad got me a new beltknife with a lovely leather sheath and a matching belt. The blade is really good steel, the sort with a kind of pattern in it, I think it might be how it's beaten? Or I could be wrong, but it's beautiful anyway and it must have been expensive. The sheath has a design of dancing firelizards on it, and there are pretty curving patterns on the belt. It's been a long time since I've owned anything decorative like this, I used to love clothes and accessories and... Well it just seemed so frivolous and stupid for a long time, and a lot more effort than I had to give anyway. I really like the belt and everything though; maybe a promise to myself next turn can be to dress a bit better sometimes.
Looking ahead to next turn as a whole, I'm nervous. Oximath and Hiemalth will clutch, their sister probably won't be far behind and the rest of Malsalth's daughters are long overdue to rise for the first time. Who knows when Lithustoth and Starleth will clutch again, but it might well be this turn if they're anything like green firelizards when it comes to reproduction. So many potential clutches and I'm still not sure that I'm ready. I want to stand, Raith wanted me to stand, but there's something that just doesn't feel right. Maybe it will never feel right. Maybe this is all a mistake....
But this is the end of one turn and the start of another, so I'm not going to dwell on anything too hard for the rest of the evening. I'm going to find Dad, or maybe even some of the other candidates, or Careese, and I'm going to have a drink and a dance and.... Yeah. We'll see where one-eighty-three takes us.
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Posted: Sat Oct 26, 2019 10:53 am
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04.04.183
It's finally happened - Heimalth and Oximath have clutched, three eggs each according to Weyr gossip, and shards suddenly it feels so real! I knew they were gravid but that's different to knowing there are six eggs on the sands, that there will be a hatching soon, that I might....
I wonder what sort of a dragon might choose me? I doubt I'd be the easiest mind to latch onto but I mean- I might be just the right person for some dragon mightn't I? Perhaps a green, I think it would be wonderful to watch over a clutch like that and see new bonds formed. On the other hand Raith wanted so badly to fight when the time came, perhaps I'd better carry his memory by bonding to a dragon destined to flame. Not a blue though, I don't think I could bear that, but then again if one approached me.... I don't know and I suppose I don't have to, it's the dragon that decides in the end after all - I just have to be there and be open and hope one of them looks to me.
I can't wait for the Touching, I feel sick with nerves and part of me still questions all of this - worries about potentially hurting a dragon that chose me somehow mainly I think - but I'm excited too. There's a while to wait yet though so I'll just have to keep myself busy in the meanwhile - I've fallen into a bit of a slump with practising my fiddle lately, I should pick it up again, that'd be a start and there's always more work to do around the Weyr of course.
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Posted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 10:21 am
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Posted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 10:25 am
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