[META-PRP] About Respect (Sarcel & Nahori)

[Melancholies]

First, you have to respect yourself.

 

[Melancholies]

Sarcel's office was still as clean as ever, as organized as ever. In front of her this time was a specific folder with a specific name and a specific symbol, but she wasn't looking at it, at least not for the moment. No, her elbow was on the table and her hand was mussing with her fluffy, choppy hair. She was fidgeting, but not from nervousness. It was a habit she hadn't broken yet; waiting made her naturally antsy, even if she wasn't necessarily worried or worked up. Something about it made her buzz with energy.

So she waited, and waited, and waited.

When the door to her office opened, the fidgeting stopped, her muscles stilled, and she looked entirely too well kept together. "Have a seat. We're having a talk." And then she paused, "Sorry, let me clarify. You're not in trouble or anything." The lieutenant pin on her open coat gleamed in the lighting of her office, almost like a threat.

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

Making a choice... Nahori couldn't remember the last time her decisions weren't influenced by someone else. Even now, standing in the hallway because she was too afraid to go inside, she wasn't sure if being here was really her idea at all. It felt that way at first, of course. Her own two feet brought her here, her lusus was no where to be found, and yet-

Clasping her hands in front of her chest, she breathed. It wouldn't do to make Sarcel wait any longer, doubts or not.

"I'm... s-sorry for... for the wait." The apology was instant, she couldn't reign it in. Scared, she was so scared of this talk. Nahori had taken her life into her own hands in the worst way and no amount of thick, obnoxious swallowing could push down the lump in her throat. It felt easier, safer to blame the decision on someone else.

"W-What i-is it...?"

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

Sarce waved her hand dismissively. Rising to her feet, she strode across the office when Nahori entered, her knees popping as she stood and the door equally popping as she shut it. Another pop followed suit; this was the dull, heavy sound of a lock clicking into place. Only briefly did Sarcel realize how intimidating this might have been. Oh well.

"I wanted to congratulate you." She said as she casually walked back to her desk. When she sat down again, her pose was loose, her eyes bright blue and trained on the teen in front of her. "You really surprised me there, but you've gone and taken the first step towards bettering yourself. Well done."

She flicked through the file in front of her. Within it were documentation with Nahori's name; papers that might look vaguely familiar, disclaimers and records of her new enrollment in the military.

"I've decided to act as your lieutenant for the duration of this space expedition. You can call me Sir, but Cincil is acceptable too." Her expression didn't change, it remained blank and unreadable, although there was a slight gleam in her eyes—"How do you feel, private?"

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

The click of the lock took the place of a beat of her bloodpusher as it skipped. Sitting in front of Sarcel's desk with her hands clenched in her lap, Nahori considered the congratulations with a bleak, unfortunate mental sigh. Her internal monologue was this: I've signed myself up to die. Externally, she looked pale and clammy when she finally spoke back up.

"Yes, Sir..." Following orders was the easy part, the familiar part. Answering the question was harder, especially as she recalled the time Sarcel had come to her hive to check up on her. Back then she'd let go far too much about her personal woes. It was embarrassing.

Would Sarcel regret choosing her if she showed that kind of weakness again?

"I'm... I-I-" she was grasping, "I don't... know." Why had Sarcel chosen her? Why would anyone?

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

"That wasn't really the answer I was looking for." She said duly. If Nahori was really unhappy with the selection, then Sarcel would transfer her somewhere else, it wasn't crazy rocket science or anything. Indecision was a terrible trait.

"Let me backtrack a little bit then. Maybe I made a wrong assumption." Something weary crossed her face, "Why did you join the military? Were you coerced by another peer? You could have lived the rest of your teenage sweeps in relative bliss."

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

Nahori hadn't been looking at Sarcel, not really. There were glimpses at the other troll, careful peeks from the corner of her eye, but that got her to commit to it. For once, Nahori looked up from her lap and looked someone in the eye.

"I know," she replied, sounding almost calm, the stutter gone but only for the shortest of seconds. Then she looked away again. "I-I know I c-could've... Mother, she... she would've l-let me. A-At least a while longer as long a-as... as I long as I did w-whatever else she said to do."

Hearing it in her own words was strange and difficult to bear. It hadn't been someone else's decision, it had been hers. "I-I... wanted something else. I d-don't know. I... wanted a change."

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

Sarcel hummed, "So it was your own decision. I stand by what I said then, good for you." She sounded genuine in her compliment. The comment about her lusus tugged at a heartstring that Sarcel didn't know existed anymore, but her face remained cool regardless of the fact.

"You wanted something better. You want to be stronger." Sarcel sat back in her chair, the object groaning squeakily as she did so. She wasn't looking at Nahori anymore; her gaze was fixed on the ceiling, and then the slowly swiveled around to gaze pensively out the window. "Do you have any idea why I decided to choose you?" The question sounded almost rhetorical.

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

Despite the wave of unease that still rolled in her gut, Nahori managed a small, "T-Thank you," for the compliment. It felt nice to be recognized, even for someone like her. Hell, especially for someone like her. If Sarcel had been just a hint warmer than blueblooded, Nahori might've even smiled.

"I... I don't," she answered, not quite recognizing the question as rhetorical. "T-To be honest, I-I wondered. Since... since y-you've met me a-and all, you..." Though she trailed off, there was an implication: you know I'm like this. An officer could be easily judged by their subordinates, she thought. That's why Guineamom was always so strict about her acting right. Doing otherwise would've made her lusus look bad. Sure Nahori could follow orders just as well if not better than half the trolls here, she was still decidedly weak in every way.

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

Sarcel took a long breath in through her nose.

"I knew a troll once, some number of sweeps ago." She was still looking out the window, "You're both very alike. She was weak, pathetic, worried she'd never amount to anything. She'd get involved with trolls who were terrible for her, but she wanted so badly to please that she didn't really care. It was pretty ******** sad." Sarcel spoke—muttered more like, actually—with a startling conviction. "The only difference is your blood. She was a highblood. It made it worse in her eyes."

She swiveled back around, "So I wonder, if unchecked, would you walk down the same path she did?" Sarce's face was neutral, her eyes slightly lidded. Compared to the bags underneath them, it made her look exhausted. "I can't guarantee you chance after chance if you falter, but I can give you the proper tools to succeed. It's not an easy road, Caviap; there's no take backs. What I need from you is a promise and a show of your conviction. I need you to know this is serious. I need you to know that there's no room for weakness in your life now."

She sighed, "So I'm making you an offer. I will not go easy on you, but if you put your trust in me, I will make you strong. Are you ready to take the second step?"

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

The hands in her lap might've seemed like the most interesting things on the planet to Nahori right now with the way she wouldn't stop playing with them, but it was actually Sarcel's story that held her attention best. Part of her wanted to trust those words, to think that even highbloods could worry and lose their own sense of self the way she had. At the same time, she wondered if it was too convenient, too obvious. Who exactly was this highblood and what had become of her? Had it been Sarcel herself? Was that even possible? Maybe that's why she'd put herself out there to give the orangeblood a chance.

The truth was, in the end she believed it, every bit of it. Naive maybe, but deep down inside all Nahori wanted was acceptance, was for someone to believe in her. Sarcel was offering her that opportunity. It wouldn't be easy, but hey, she'd just signed her entire life away in service of the Crown. What else did she have to lose?

A lot, actually, but that didn't matter right now.

"I... I want to." The conviction in her voice was significant for Nahori, but still not quite on par with any ol' average troll. "P-Please help me, L-Lieutenant Cincil... I-I want to know i-if I can... can change."

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

Sarcel didn't speak for a moment. When she did, it was short, succinct, "Good."

The atmosphere seemed to lift after that.

"You can. It'll be a long road, but we're going to make it. I have a few tasks for you." Sarcel leaned back in her chair, "First order of business; you're military now. I'm going to be frank with you. You're not ready for a leadership position. You also have rank over civilians, and you might find yourself in that position regardless. I want you to watch your comrades very closely, the ones that have rank over you. I want you to study them and their confidence. Not every shield is as infallible as you think. Everyone has a weakness. If you ever want to overcome your own, you need to learn how to mask them."

"That being said. Your stutter." Her eyes narrowed a little, "Is the first order of business. This is a dog-eat-dog world, you know? If they see any crack, then they're going to exploit it, so we're going to beat that out of you. You need to talk more. You need to get used to hearing your own voice. I'm not saying you need to annoy the ******** out of everyone here by talking incessantly, but I want you to initiate more conversations, got it? When you give report, I don't want to hear you falter. Is that understood? I don't care if it gives you an hour to say everything fluently."

"Any questions so far?"

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

If nothing else, Nahori was an excellent listener. Everything Sarcel mentioned, she heard it, considered it, and occasionally her brow furrowed with worry as she thought about the things that made her uncomfortable imagining. So, almost everything.

"What about... h-highbloods?" she asked, "Civilian highbloods? W-Would they really, um, look at m-me as a leader?" There she went, continuing to stutter away at the thought of being in any sort of control, especially where highbloods were concerned. She covered her mouth with her hands and squeezed her eyes shut. This was hard, really hard.

"I'm... sorry. I'll try not to... stutter anymore. I'll... I'll work... on it." A lot of unnecessary pausing, but it was a start. "And, um, I'll watch them and... stuff..." With a deep breath, she finally opened her eyes again. "I can... go back to the... the conveyor. After this, I mean... and... talk." Even though she really didn't want to.

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

Sarce was patient. She waited, watched her speak, watched her catch herself.

"Precisely." Sarce sounded grave, "They won't. They'll roll their eyes and think you're a joke. When I was younger," Her eyes went shut as she breathed in through her nose, "The troll in charge of all of us was a redblood. She didn't care." Schrad was different, of course, in the sense that she was also killing highbloods on the down low and Sarce had almost been one of them. Still. "She was respected, you know. We were just ignorant civilians at that point too."

"But that's good. Interact. Mingle. These trolls are your comrades now. You'll be relying on each other, which brings me to my next point." Sarcel stood up at this one, "How do you fare in a fight, Caviap?"

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

Nahori supposed that was something about their society that couldn't be changed without working for it. There would always be someone who looked down on her and it would be ages before she fully rid herself of her compulsion to immediately throw herself at the feet and mercy of highbloods—if she ever did rid herself of it at all. She couldn't even imagine a world where that was possible. Not yet.

"Okay..." she agreed, breathing a deep breath, "I... guess I'll just... learn for now." And speaking of learning-

"Um, a fight, Sir? I... can. I can fight, but um... I... haven't really. Not a lot. Why...?"

Melancholies