Rushed Love I

• Artist: Fargonia123
• Description: A schoolboy named Boran tries to win his friends heart, but she ignores him, because he is on the track team. Will he ever find love?
• Date: 10/11/2008
• Tags: rushed love

Boran wiped the morning crust from his saggy eyes, and jumped out of his comfortable silk bed. He was still tired from last night's training, but something pushed him to try even more harder. he walked downstairs, his pale skin brushing the rails. He picked up his white Nike's, and put them on. It's been a while since he'd worn these, so they felt a little tight. Boran opened the white door with a shove, and walked outside, into his field. It was easily twice as long as a football field, and had white lines going across it, marked by numbers. Yesterday's record was 102 yards in 18 seconds. He gulped at the thought of breaking it, but he'd try. Boran stepped on the metal starter, and got ready, when...
"BORAN GAMMA!! YOU GET OFF THAT THING, AND COME INSIDE FOR BREAKFAST!!! scream " his mother screamed, her voice splitting bluebirds clean in half. "Y-Y-ye-yes mother!" sweatdrop he sheepishly replied. "GOOD! AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE, YOU CAN TALK TO THE COACH ABOUT YOUR LACK OF--". She was cut off by the sound of the family helicopter coming down. Inside it was the girl of his dreams heart .
"SUZUKA!!!"

Comments

[killer_klaw]

many grammatical errors

[The Llama Goes Moo]

You don't deliever the story effectively and interestingly. To simplify it was kind of boring. I suggest re-writing it and lay off the emoticons. Keep writing, you'll get better with practice! ^-^ (If you want to...)

[Wei Hui]

The emoticons are a bit silly, shall we say. I think it would work better without the emoticons. It's also really short, so it's difficult to get a proper idea of what it's about. It's also mildly boring, so you need to work on keeping the reader's interest.

@Perfect Pixelation. That's twice you've started something with what your boyfriend says about something. If he wants to give arena ratings, maybe you should make him get his own account for this?

[Held In Focus]

This story makes my boyfriend's brain hurt because it makes so little sense. I didn't really understand what was going on, to be honest. And why is there a random emoticon in the story?!